So, maybe I was wrong…

… not completely wrong, but still wrong. I know you’re wondering how that works, let me (attempt to) explain. You ever have a profound moment of realisation, then turn around not too long after and realise that maybe you were getting ahead of yourself?? Ok, maybe not… but it’s one of those moments.

Quite recently I got a lecture. One of those usually reserved for my poor choices in men, delivered with a healthy dose of alcohol and junk food from my beloved big brothers. But before I get into it, I need to tell you a bit about this particular big brother.

We met ** years ago (actual time frame censored to protect the not so young anymore) in college. Anyone who witnessed our first actual meeting would NEVER imagine us being friends to this day. Let’s chalk it up to first impressions not being the end all to meeting people lol. Anyway, fast forward to today – one of my nearest and dearest, partner in crime, cocktail connoisseur, shoulder to cry on, conspiracy theory co-creator, confidant, chief instigator, mentor (personally & professionally), brother, friend. As far as adult life goes, we’ve been there and done that. From the loss of his father, the loss of my sister, the birth of my son, his journey to his marriage to the love of his life, the birth of their son and EVERYTHING in between – he is definitely a big part of the roots that keep me grounded in this world. Yeah, he’s pretty awesome.

So here is where it got interesting… If you will remember, not too long ago I had a moment (yes, I know I have a few – I mean this one –> catch up) and while I may have been on sorta the right track, he laid down a few facts of life for me, as only he can. Even my father (yes, he was eavesdropping) had to stick his head through the door and agree in his ever so NOT diplomatic way. Even more interesting, this was the first one of these conversations (yes, we’ve had a couple) that did not involve copious quantities of alcohol.

So, now that you’ve caught up, here is where I was wrong.

I’m not paranoid. I’m not crazy (shut it penny section). I simply have a gift that I don’t truly appreciate. For lack of a better description, I am perceptive. Contrary to my previous post, I actually do not “overthink” things WITHOUT REASON. Funny how it takes someone else to point out the obvious – I see everything in my personal life, but I make excuses for the people I love and rationalise away what I see. I stay silent and ALWAYS to my detriment. This would be the perfect moment to bang my head against a wall, but strangely enough, I actually feel better about a lot of things. Funny how that works.

It’s not that I suddenly love or welcome uncertainty. It’s more about trusting myself.

I see when things are out of place in a room, even if it’s not my room. I see when a person’s words and actions don’t match. I see when someone’s body language is telling the opposite of their words. I can see it in your eyes when you lie. I can tell you what the person who walked by while we were laughing at the joke was wearing. I can give you the license plates of the vehicles in the parking lot I just walked through to get here (make and model too, if you must). I can repeat a random conversation, verbatim, that we had ages ago. Exams are a breeze because the page/image/chart just appears as I read the question. I see your nervous tick when you’re irritated. I see the thoughts you try to hide. I see your depression and know why you try to hide it (it’s not working by the way). These things just kinda stick, they always have.

I’m sorry if that unnerves you, if it intimidates you, if it makes you walk on eggshells around me, if it makes you constantly wonder if I “know” but I’m just not saying it. It’s just a part of who I am.

I am not paranoid. I am not crazy. I just don’t trust myself enough. Funny how that works.

Most of the time when I drive myself to a migraine, it’s not that I don’t have enough of the puzzle to make a picture. It’s that I just don’t want to see what’s right there in front of me – bliss in ignorance? I tell myself I’m being irrational and explain it away, leaving a gap that doesn’t need to be there. Having put some thought into it over the past few days, every insecurity (that I acknowledge) has reared its head in every instance I’ve considered. Funny how that works. I’m actually being irrational because I don’t want to be right.

So yeah, I was wrong, but not completely. I really can’t control the outcome of every situation, and I won’t always have all the answers. My history has shown me that my perception/intuition/whatever-you-want-to-call-it has never steered me wrong. I’ve done that all by myself by simply not trusting in it. In the words of my big brother, “Don’t be afraid to be right”. Even when being right absolutely and completely SUCKS. He really did chastise me for telling myself that it only works in my work. This is one of those moments where good friends, the ones who really know you, are “better than pocket money”.

And here we are again, another life lesson for the books, lots to put into practice, and a word to the wise: Don’t take my silence for ignorance. Don’t take it for acceptance either. I’m off to work on appreciating my gifts… XO

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