… I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me (in the real world, you know? phone calls and that kinda thing) about “going out of business” so I figured this might be the best place to answer some of those questions. note: some. Before I get into that, I must say thank you to all of you. I’m honoured and humbled to have so many of you express concern and support – the majority not having a clue what’s actually going on. Most of the time I write here with the notion that I’m shouting into an empty room. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
This kinda poked me in the brain to write this… borrowed from a friend’s Facebook status update… (check out his blog)…
“When I give, it does not come with strings. I’m not keeping track of what you owe me. When I give, I choose to do so without ulterior motives. I give because I know what its like to be without; to long for and be ignored, to speak and not be heard, to care for and have nothing returned. When I give its because I get it; its because I know the value in what I have in my heart, and I refuse to let the world stop me from sharing that. But when things start being taken for granted, when you no longer appreciate my sincerity, I won’t switch, I won’t get angry, and I won’t be spiteful. I’ll just get smart, and I’ll change your role in my life, because when I give I’m all in; but when I’m done, there’s no looking back.” – Rob Hill.
On topic now… censorship. I’ve long censored myself for many reasons. As a child/teenager, it was mostly because I understood the repercussions of having a “smart mouth” and I was often privy to news and information it would be considered I had no business knowing. Better to err on the side of caution and just shut it? Seems legit.
This hasn’t changed much in my adult life. However, having a career and being a parent throw in a whole new set of considerations. I’ve often wondered how my son would feel reading any of this an adult. I worry about “oversharing”, though sometimes you’d never be able to tell huh? I wonder how my family would feel about references to them. How would my best friend feel being mentioned in some clearly-not-well-thought-out-escapade story? All those considerations often translate into long periods of silence. I also know better than to write when upset. The truth, no filter, will come out. In truth, every story/photo/anything is a calculated decision to put it out there into digital perpetuity.
Using the roller coaster analogy (if you’ve been following along *cringe*) the past few months have been a combination of those silly-straw-looking loops and those long climbs into a “I left my stomach back there, can we stop please?” drop. A few of them. Back to back. From all sides. There was a lot of truth. Filtered. Edited. It was indeed suffocating holding back. This wasn’t the place for it. I’ve since realised that there actually isn’t any place for it. In the past two years there have been things I haven’t said, haven’t done, places I haven’t been to, people I haven’t associated with because I consider every possibility of how it could reflect on you. It wasn’t and still isn’t some great sacrifice or gesture, it’s just how I think and the regard I have for you and your responsibilities. You’d never know that though… funny how that works. Personally I have many opinions on many things, most of them I only share with you… Professionally, I don’t have an opinion. It’s just how it works.
So in short, my censorship is not really for myself. I don’t live in a vaccuum. The things I say/do/feel have an impact on those I care about. While the unfiltered, unedited truth may make me feel better, not everything needs to be said here. You can keep your life private, but the people in it don’t have to be secrets.