Have you ever had that moment when you have something to say, have a lovely speech all prepared, then when the moment arrives…. *crickets* … then that night while you lie in bed, it all comes pouring out and sleep is nowhere to be found. Welcome to my world this week… (updated…)
I think I’ve said all there is to say, mostly because it really doesn’t matter what I say. Even so, I’ll add my last word somewhere I figure you’re sure to see it – right here.
There is a profound disappointment in this realisation I must say. Deliberate silence, just like actions, speaks infinitely louder than words. Let’s not discount those actions now… It’s amazing how the words “I love you” have absolutely no meaning after a series of repetitive, contrary actions.
It’s been a lonely few months mostly because the less then handful of friends that I could talk to about this all think I’m crazy for attempting to try, so I’ve mostly had to talk to myself. They might be on to something. I guess what bothers me the most is the platitudes and encouragement to not be upset/angry/hurt. Screw that. Don’t belittle my feelings cause it seems like the right thing to say. How bout you just pour me another drink or hand me another Kleenex? That’s a much better option.
It’s kind of like death. Everybody bumbles over the “right thing” to say or do. Just don’t. It’s that simple. The people you care about just need to know you are there. Let them be. If they reach out, be there if you can. If not, it’s not you – sometimes nothing at all is the best medicine.
Ok… had to get that out…
I tried. Whether at home, on the other side of the world, or in the same crowded room. I tried. Your words suggest you value me, your actions LOL … let’s just have a good laugh and think of it as one of those really bad romantic comedies where Prince Charming is really an idiot in tin foil. I’ve always been fascinated by you, and much to my annoyance I still am. I tried. You’re just not capable of appreciating what you did wrong. I can’t shoulder that and rationalise it away any more.
Yes, I pick up the phone sometimes if there’s a good joke, something interesting in the news or just because you’ve crossed my mind. Yes, it hurts to put it back down reminding myself you aren’t that man to me. The tears come, then they go, and I get on with the business of living my life. In another lifetime, perhaps…
Random signs and update: Right after I posted this, I went on a field trip with my son’s class to the Zoo. We both know what significance that place holds now. I’m embarrassed to admit that I had an anxiety attack standing in the same spot I was in a few months ago. Out of nowhere, I get a hug and a “Hi Aunty… it’s ok”. I love you, Jason – I needed that. Sometimes the universe gives you exactly what you need, right when you need it.
Thank you for helping me find my courage. Be happy. Fret not, it’s not like you’ll miss me – you’re way too busy for that. I love you. There will be no more words or thoughts dedicated to you. This is the last word, and that’s all she wrote.