Delinquency is clearly my thing.
It’s not deliberate. Since my birthday I’ve had a hard time getting the words out. The gratitude has been there nonetheless, but the emotional mess of the events of the past few weeks have had me at a loss for words.
A family friend took her own life. My thoughts have been consumed with her children. I’ve put myself in her shoes so many times in the past 2 weeks to try to understand. It won’t change anything, and you never truly know what someone else is going through in this life – but as a parent, I needed to understand. I can’t say I do, but in a way I understand. I know what the voices in the darkness sound like. Please be kind to everyone, you never know what their experience is truly like.
In the midst of this, I happened to be forced at the same time to assess the people in my life. Forced to accept that no matter how much some people mean to me, in my life they mean me no good. I’ve never been good at letting go. I’ve got to learn at some point, and there is no time like the present.
I took J to the beach yesterday. There was a planned outing for a friend’s birthday – I hope it was fantastic, Odessa 🙂 . I had another reason for the journey to the sea. Yesterday made 10 long years since my little sister passed away. I sat there on the beach with her nephew she never knew playing in the surf like a wild man, lyming with great friends she never got to meet, telling the sea where we scattered her ashes how much I miss her. How much we all miss her. I gave my father his space yesterday, I know how much he needed those tears in peace and quiet.
And now as I sit here preparing to feed 20+ people for Christmas dinner and fighting the flu at the same time *ugh* … I am grateful for all of you. Thank you for reading/listening and sharing with me. Thank you for hearing my voices, my darkness, my joy and sharing your own with me. To my family, my friends, acquaintances, people I’ve never met, everyone who joins in my journey just by passing through these pages… Thank you. In the darkest of times, even though it may not feel that way, I know I’m not alone.
I am grateful for you.