We’re going to blame all of this on the heat that my body (and mind) are simply not prepared for this year.
We had a pretty busy weekend of birthday parties at the beach, and celebrating Father’s Day with Grandpa at the beach… aka we both got too much sun this weekend. Admittedly the kid had waaaay more fun than I did with a pair of dolphins and a floating obstacle course, but it was a good time with family and friends and a much needed break from regular weekend “adulting” for me.
Last night he of course pulled his now standard “Mummy it’s hot in my room, can I turn on your air conditioning and stay with you?” Fast forward to about 30 minutes later when we’re both snuggled in my bed chit chatting about the week ahead before lights out.
“Mummy, this year hasn’t been going so well and I thought I was cursed, but it really looks like it’s getting better.”
I hate to say but I felt like all the wind had been knocked out of me. Why on earth would my kid feel like he’s cursed?! I apologized to him for sometimes being the “fire breathing dragon” and for not always being able to do the things and go where he wants to go. He stopped me. He explained that he was talking about things like getting kicked in the face at Kung Fu, getting a black eye from crashing into someone playing football, and a few other embarrassing moments he’s experienced this year so far.
Reality check, Mom. Your baby is officially gone (except for when he’s sick). These are his experiences and interpretations – that are completely independent of you.
I have to say that despite understanding that he will grow up, no matter how not-ready-for-any-of-this-dear-god-puberty-is-next I am, I’ve been in a funk all day. Responsibility for someone else who becomes less reliant in the immediate ways every day makes you question your “enoughness”. (Thanks R-L for the unknowing nudge)
It’s that voice that makes you wonder “am I enough?” and you better believe it doesn’t stop at the kid. Am I enough for this job/task? Am I enough for my friendships/relationships? That voice that makes you question whether or not you’re doing the right thing or making the right choice – what if I’m setting myself up for disaster/disappointment… AGAIN? The voice has been very loud lately – for those who matter, I know you don’t mind my unusually quiet nature lately but this is it. For those who mind, you don’t matter.
It’s a maddening voice. The one that has fully written the dramatic end of a story before the ink of the introduction has barely had time to dry. The one that has firmly decided that the story is there to be written – I’m just not in it. The one that has a loving relationship with sleep and pretending there are no missed calls or messages awaiting responses. The one that makes me oh so very tired.
I’m working on my “presence” with the kid these days, not merely existing and going through the motions in the same space. Some days, like today… it’s hard. He assured me that he will love me forever and always be there for me. Then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Be like the kid. Moments of pure joy.